Entry 01: To be or not to be?!
I have grappled with this question since my “awakening” took off full steam in 2019.
And talk about poetic justice; that quote was written by one of the most famous playwrights of all time—coincidence? I think not.
This physical journey serves as a giant metaphor, abstracting what I once thought I knew into a much-expanded awareness.
As much as there are times I wish it would just halt and be, the layers of the onion continue to peel away before me.
Especially as I ask more profound questions, I strive to attach to nothing and remain open to everything this world wants to teach me.
Along this journey, I have pondered why we are here in this physical world. What is our meaning? What is our purpose?
I’ve had to face and release layers of myself that no longer align with the path I’ve been venturing down.
It feels a lot like following the yellow brick road with Dorothy and the gang to find the wizard.
Like the Scarecrow, I’ve been searching for the “Brains”—that expanded consciousness.
The Tinman longs for a heart; for me, it has been vulnerability, empathy, and self-love that I didn’t even know I needed.
I feel my current steps mirror the Cowardly Lion—seeking the courage to step into the power I was born to embody and share my discoveries from this journey.
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how I feel “safe” in this world. It’s our innate nature to want to belong to a tribe; going back to ancient times, everyone had a role within that tribe.
My illusionary role in the “tribe” has been that of the fixer, the people-pleaser. I’ve always been the one who keeps everyone feeling safe and at peace—or at least that’s what I’ve told myself to ensure no one “gets rid of me.”
Yes, this “worked” for the last 41 years, but the past few years have been profoundly uncomfortable—there are days I’ve wanted to explode, feeling out of place even around those I love deeply.
In that same breath, reflecting on my desire for connection, I realize I’ve never fully felt like I could be ME. In all fairness, I didn’t even know who she was or that she existed.
I worked so hard on building who I thought I “should be,” ignoring the ME that was trying to emerge. I kept her hidden away like Harry Potter under his aunt’s stairs!
In the past, I turned to alcohol to numb that intensity. I wanted to explore but feared being the “weird one” or, even worse, rejected. All the while, I was rejecting myself and my inner yearning for more.
I went shopping and underwent body alterations to try to fit the mold I felt I should be as a woman in this society. Yes, I was beautiful to look at; I had everything most people aspired to have, and I am very thankful for my abundance and blessings.
Yet, as time went on, my drinking spiraled into a telling disaster, and I felt more like an empty can.
I share this with you because I know I’m not alone in experiencing such a disconnect from what we once knew.
I’m here to remind you that you are not alone in allowing, questioning, exploring, and meeting yourself in these new aspects of who you are becoming.
As I reflect on who I’ve been along this journey, it isn’t sad.
I’m grateful for every uncomfortable experience that has shown me the polarity of what I want in my life; each lesson has taught me so much. Here’s the truth: you can’t go back, but you can extract what you wish to use as strengths to elevate you to your next level!
One of mine is from being a “fixer.” One of my passions and gifts is seeing things from multiple perspectives and sharing with others what I have learned and currently learning, which is a core intention for this space.
I’ll be coming to you weekly to share my latest and greatest.
As a recovering people pleaser, I know I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay! Thank goodness there are so many flavors of tea out there!
One promise of this world is change, and as one of my mentors calls herself a “Change Junkie,” I too am learning to embrace it, let it teach me, and be one as well!
I must share that the last 41 years have flown by. By embracing change and not taking this journey too seriously, I aim to live my life to the fullest!
I love, and it’s my goal to embody the sentiment of Erma Bombeck:
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left. And I could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.”
So, to sum up today's message—“to be or not to be,” I say BE!!!
Be YOU, AND LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE!
Only you were created to do that!
It’s magic and the most incredible answer I’ve found in pursuing life’s most profound questions!
This is the ultimate ticket to paradise, Heaven on Earth—a full cup radiating the unconditional love and joy that you are!
Stay curious, stay brave, and always choose to be unapologetically you!
